If being a mom means you're a woman...what happens when you don't want to have children? What are you?
When I was first writing this, it was in tune to this prompt topic that I stole from Gina: "When you were a kid, did you want to have the same job or a different job than your parents when you grew up?" But it became so much more than that.This is something I've seen first-hand-- society/family beating up women who doesn't want to have children at any point in her life, and this happens way too much in our society that I thought I should write a little about it.
I have to admit with this prompt originally I wrote about how I've always admired my Dad for being a Pastor, but I've never seen it a profession that I would take over myself in the future.
Although, I've always wanted to be like my mom and have the lifelong full time job she has. I don't mean being a paralegal, I mean being a mom. It's always what I've dreamed of, I've always wanted to be a mom. I want to nurture and raise a child to be just like me... maybe not exactly like me, but I want to go on that long journey with my child and my husband.
The time is clearly not now, and it won't be for a long while, but when that does happen--I'll be finally like my mom. I can't wait to teach my child all the lessons I've been taught, and I can't wait to see what kind of a person they will grow up to be.
I'm going to take the chance to talk to you about how to speak to women (most of this applies to men, but I will use the word women--because that's my main focus for this) who don't want to have kids instead talking about how much I want to be a mom--because this is a generally taboo topic.
There is a huge stigma for women to always have to have kids... and for those women who don't--they're shamed in a corner or called "bossy" because they put their careers first rather than their families.
I'm the only one out of my #GirlSquad who wants kids, and that's okay--but I'm ready for them to fall in love with my kids and spoil them rotten. It's a lifelong commitment some people don't want to get into, or it's something they've always never seen fitting in their lifestyle.
I've heard the sentence "being a mom means you're a woman" a quite bit online, so when you choose not to be a mother to a child, are you not a woman anymore? That's ridiculous. Your identity does not depend on being able/desire to be a mother. I became a woman at 14, and I didn't want to be a mother back then. You probably became a woman younger or older than me, did you imagine a child in your arms then? No. You might still not imagine a child in your arms, and that's okay--but you are STILL A WOMAN regardless of your choice to have children or not.
As I was writing this, I became a little overwhelmed with the conflict of this post and my wanting to have children--so I consulted the #GirlSquad. Their perspective on topics like this helped me, and I hope it helps you in turn too!
1: It's frowned upon for women to focus on themselves and not wanting to have kids, some women have dreams to accomplish and some ran out of time to have kids.
2: To be honest I never thought about wanting to have children. It wasn't big part of my future until I went out of country and saw a researcher who had teenage son tagging along on the field work. That researcher is in a different country while having a family... Her husband is her research assistant. She said it was hard at first but it fell into pieces, her husband was more of stay at home father and when her son was old enough, he would be either sent to boarding school or go on trips with his parents. It was not something I wanted for my kids. My boss felt the same, her life style was too extreme for kids. It works for some and not for others.
3: He wanted kids, I didn't, and it was a huge fighting point for us. When I finally agreed, "yeah I'll consider having kids with you at some point," I felt like I had just given up a huge part of my identity. I don't know about other women, but I don't want to lose my identity and become Mommy. Obviously that doesn't happen to everyone but I feel like it happens often enough that to me, it feels like a risk. There are women who are just MEANT to be mothers, and there are not.
2: A friend of mine posted this article recently, and it shows how important this issue is becoming. Read it here!
1: Women will always always face critisicm with NOT wanting to have a child, it will make them feel low--but some are lucky to have a support system that understands their choice.
3: And the big thing is that being childfree =/= hating kids. I don't hate kids, but I just have no connection with them. I don't know how to interact with them, and I would prefer if they just left me alone. There are people who are childfree who absolutely HATE kids, and those who love kids but don't want any for themselves. I fall somewhere in the middle of that range. Older kids (mid to late elementary school), I can connect with and play with, but younger than that I just can't.
So... In a nutshell (good to know since the Holidays are coming up, steer away from conversations like this!):
Never tell them they're going to miss out.
Never tell them they will regret it.
Never tell them it's because they hate children.
Never ASSUME why they don't want to have kids.
Never tell them to just wait and they'll change their mind.
Never tell them that it's because their career is so busy and they should take a seat back to focus on their family bearing skills.
Maybe they can't due to health reasons or they don't have enough money...the list goes on--to be safe, don't assume or ask questions unless they tell you themselves.
I've told my friends some of the sentences above myself and I regret those choices of words. I will never understand the struggle of a person who is infertile, I will never understand a person's choice to not to have a child--but I will NEVER judge someone for it. I hope you won't either. It's a hard decision (maybe easy to some people) but it's THEIR decision to make.
Although I think it's a great dialogue in making, I think we should continue to be women's greatest allies to each other and learn from each other. I'm not saying we should "preach" our beliefs into women who don't want kids, but we should be open to dialogue and educate ourselves/themselves to options and what to say/what not to say. Educate ourselves on child-bearing diseases/infertility, how to talk to women who are infertile and etc etc etc...the list is crazy long.
Do you have any advice to what not to say to women who don't want kids? I know there's an ongoing list of what to not to say and it would probably never end--but if we're spreading the awareness and removing the stigma of every woman HAVING to have kids I think we can make the society a lot more comfortable for those women.
TL;DR: women on women dialogue is going to be important. And we should start NOW.
3: And the big thing is that being childfree =/= hating kids. I don't hate kids, but I just have no connection with them. I don't know how to interact with them, and I would prefer if they just left me alone. There are people who are childfree who absolutely HATE kids, and those who love kids but don't want any for themselves. I fall somewhere in the middle of that range. Older kids (mid to late elementary school), I can connect with and play with, but younger than that I just can't.
So... In a nutshell (good to know since the Holidays are coming up, steer away from conversations like this!):
Never tell them they're going to miss out.
Never tell them they will regret it.
Never tell them it's because they hate children.
Never ASSUME why they don't want to have kids.
Never tell them to just wait and they'll change their mind.
Never tell them that it's because their career is so busy and they should take a seat back to focus on their family bearing skills.
Maybe they can't due to health reasons or they don't have enough money...the list goes on--to be safe, don't assume or ask questions unless they tell you themselves.
I've told my friends some of the sentences above myself and I regret those choices of words. I will never understand the struggle of a person who is infertile, I will never understand a person's choice to not to have a child--but I will NEVER judge someone for it. I hope you won't either. It's a hard decision (maybe easy to some people) but it's THEIR decision to make.
Although I think it's a great dialogue in making, I think we should continue to be women's greatest allies to each other and learn from each other. I'm not saying we should "preach" our beliefs into women who don't want kids, but we should be open to dialogue and educate ourselves/themselves to options and what to say/what not to say. Educate ourselves on child-bearing diseases/infertility, how to talk to women who are infertile and etc etc etc...the list is crazy long.
Do you have any advice to what not to say to women who don't want kids? I know there's an ongoing list of what to not to say and it would probably never end--but if we're spreading the awareness and removing the stigma of every woman HAVING to have kids I think we can make the society a lot more comfortable for those women.
TL;DR: women on women dialogue is going to be important. And we should start NOW.
Thank you for leaving a comment! I look forward to read what you've just said and I will respond in a couple of hours!